Nov. 8/ Ep.1/ Fear of making mistakes
Fear prevents us from reaching our true potential. Break the cycle of fearing mistakes, both for yourself and through self-awareness in parenting.
I’ve been a coach in a professional setting for several years and one theme that I’ve noticed is people are afraid to make mistakes. They try to avoid that at all costs, and if they do make a mistake, they jump to the worst case scenario, such as thinking they’re going to lose their jobs or be disciplined instead of coached. I’ve also heard people call themselves stupid for making mistakes.
So I asked myself, why do people feel this way? Perhaps as a child one was berated by a parent for making a mistake instead of being allowed to fail with grace and given the opportunity to try again. Of course, this makes me contemplate how I’m handling this with my own three children.
I want my children to enter their adult lives without thinking that their worthiness is directly correlated to how many mistakes they make or don’t make. I want them to see life as a learning experience; mistakes are simply data or information to be observed. When you learn what you don’t want, you also learn what you do want and you’re better for it.
I think back on some of the times I haven’t been kind to my children. For example, my 8-year-old son has a long history of spilling his drinks at the dining room table and there have been weeks when I’ve had to wash a tablecloth almost every night. I’ve yelled at him for that multiple times. At the end of a long work day, what I desperately need is for things to be simple and easy. But with children, at the end of a long day shift #2 begins and the kids don’t come home from school asking themselves how they can make things easy for mom.
The negative things I’ve said to my son about spilling his milk aren’t linked to any belief of his unworthiness. Perhaps he’s not careful, but definitely not unworthy. The negativity is linked to my own internal battle, my own stress, my own penchant for perfectionism. I’m coming to my children from a negative position instead of a positive or even neutral one.
But can my son see that? At 8 years old, is he intuitive enough to know that I’ve had a long, stressful day, therefore he’s able to not internalize the fact that I’m making a big deal over spilt milk? Maybe, but probably not. He more likely thinks that I’m mad at him, and that he’s a screw-up.
No wonder people enter adult life afraid to make mistakes. It’s grilled into us from a young age. Don’t spill your milk at the table. Don’t get an answer wrong on your homework or you lose points. Make sure your socks match before you leave for school. Don’t say the wrong thing and make mom or dad mad.
I know I need to do better. I want to demonstrate for my children that life doesn’t have to be a ball of stress and responsibility. It can be fun, light, and your days can be filled with goodness. I also want to show them that it’s OK to make mistakes as long as we learn from them. Is it too late? No, never. I can start being better right now. Will that undo all the potential damage I’ve done to my kids to this point? I don’t know. But I do know it doesn’t have to go any deeper.
One thing I’ve started doing recently is apologizing to my children if I step out of bounds. If I yell at my daughter and then realize I took it too far, I go to her one-on-one and apologize. Let her know that even though I’m a mom and an adult, I’m not perfect and I make mistakes, and ask for forgiveness.
What do you consciously or subconsciously teach your kids, or grandkids, nieces and nephews, or godchildren about making mistakes? Does it come from a place of self-awareness and love or from the stress of your day? Or perhaps you also lean toward perfectionism so you’re holding a child to the same standard you hold yourself.
In my life, a tactic I use to check myself from holding other people to my standards is asking myself these few questions, depending on the situation: Will it matter tomorrow? Will it matter in 5 years? Will anyone be physically hurt? What’s the worst thing that could happen?
For example if it’s a chilly morning and my child doesn’t want to wear a jacket but I want them to, I can ask myself, will they be physically hurt? What’s the worst that could happen? The answer is no, and that they might be cold. I can live with that.
If you need help with your own fear of making mistakes or perfectionism, especially at work, check out this article from the Harvard Business Review about How to Manage Your Perfectionism: https://hbr.org/2019/04/how-to-manage-your-perfectionism. This has some tips to help you get started.
